Must Love Llamas

I went through some boxes over break. They were hidden in the back of my closet at home. One of them, a large cardboard Corona box, was jammed-packed with EVERY note I received throughout middle and high school. Before taking them out back and burning them, I decided to read a few. I reminisced, thinking of past girlfriends, forgotten childhood friends, and illiterate lingo and abbreviations (LOL). Digging further, I came across a note, or a list I should say, that details what it is that I looked for in a girl in 8th grade. At the top in bright blue bubble letters it is titled "Phil's Perfect Girl List".

The words in Blue are word for word form THE LIST:

- Must weigh more than the clothing she wears (I guess Tara Reid and Brittany Murphy are out)
- Shoulder Length Hair (There is a dress code?! Who the Hell did I think I was?)
- Anything but red hair (What was I thinking back then?!?! Redheads are SO hot!)
- Pretty eyes (cliche)
- Shorter than me but not too short (6 feet tall Super Models are out)
- Smooth skin (I exfoliate)
- Not a hooch (Did I even know what a hooch was in 8th grade? I must have heard it in a song.)
- No Unibrow (Well I mean that's a given)
- Cute ears and nose (like a Dr Seus character)
- No Beards or Mustache (The circus creeps me out)
- Optimistic (There's a bright side to to your boyfriend being a total jackass)
- Athletic (I play poker, that's a sport right?)
- Nice teeth (Gingivitis!)
- Not tacky (Like this list)
- Not a bad driver (no one could drive in 8th grade. What was I thinking?)
- Doesn't have a psycho dad (Oh I have some good stories)
- Nice tan (In the middle of February?)
- Can dance (I can't)
- Open minded (About self-absorbed manipulative boyfriends)
- No boobie piercing (hahaha how times have changed. I'd give my left nut for a girlfriend with a pierced boobie. And, yes, it was written in the list as "boobie")
- No tongue ring or nose (read above)
- Not stuck up, selfish, self involved, or prissy (Like the authur of this list? How Ironical!)
- Not spoiled (Have you checked the expiration date?)
- Cute but not annoying laugh (I don't date Fran Drescher)
- Not Ghetto (This coming from a middle class white boy that goes to public school in suburban Virginia)
- Accents are cool (Ok, this still stands. Accents are always cool...Unless you are Fran Drescher)
- Not pimply (Funny thing is that I WAS when I wrote this. Acne is funny)
- Treats me the same as I treat her (Like a tool?)
- Doesn't act different around friends (Let me introduce you to Two-Face)
- Not a big flirt (Whatever, everyone was a flirt in middle and high school. I can getting my ass grabbed in the hallways numerous times, as I did the same.
- Loyal (Exactly, not as a pubescent teenager with raging hormones)
- Will wear pig tails (Wow I had a dirty mind)
- Willing to read this entire list (Willing to put up with my nonsense)
- Has pets (Why would I even include this?)
- Likes to cuddle (Women like to spoon. Men like to Fork.)
- Has a donkey (I'm not sure what I meant by this, but I could be referring to a lady's backside)
- This is awful but...Has boobs (I actually wrote it like this. So to summarize, I wanted a girl with a "donkey" and big, non-pierced boobies.)
- Romantic (Like I am? Yah, right)
- Warm (huh? Like Warm Blooded? I guess I don't date snakes.)
- Likes to Party (In middle school, "partying" consisted of a 2 liter bottle of sprite and loud backstreet boys songs while everyone stood around in groups, awkwardly eyeing people of the opposite sex. Wild and crazy huh?)
- Loves Adam Sandler (This was the sort of thing that was important to me in finding the love of my life.)
- Will not sit with me when I throw up (Was this a common problem?)
- Cute feet (I actually don't like feet.)
- Doesn't try to kiss me after eating pizza/no stanky breath (Always carry gum!)
- Trusts me (Cause I was loyal right?)
- Smart (if she was smart, she'd stay away from 8th grade me)
- Loves Sweedish Fish (Another high standard)
- Can read my... (I think this says handwriting)
- Not a picky eater (Well I guess picky eaters still bother me)
- experienced but not a slut (what does that even mean?)
- Not clingy (But will put up with ME being clingy)
- Likes football (Who doesn't?)
- Likes Kids (Future father right?)
- No protective siblings (Another funny story...)
- Willing to walk out of horrible movies (Trust me, this has come up. Have you ever seen Gigli? Me either...All the way through.)

This kind of reminded me of the "Vagina Song" by the Bloodhound Gang. I sure have changed. No longer am I shallow, self-absorbed, manipulative, horny jerk...I think. If I were to write a list again today, my sophomore year of college it would probably look something like this:

1.) Likes me
2.) Hasn't read the previous list
3.) Loves Sweedish Fish