Take It To the Heart

I recently was asked to write an article for Virginia Tech's literary newsletter published by the English Students' Society. After much brain-thunderstorming, I decided on the following...

ESS Horoscopes for the Month of September:

::Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In some countries, Insomnia is thought to spring from an able body and a cunning mind. In others it is said to be a sign of possession by the devil. Rejoice or sacrifice a virgin, your choice.

::Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Your ability to find sexual innuendo in every conversation will lead you to great things this week as the government hires you to review hours of footage from President Clinton’s impeachment hearing. And they used to call you a “perv.”

::Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
It is good to sit at the bar with one's feet on the bright brass rail while the old hunters lie their lies about the snow leopards of Kilimanjaro.

::Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A negative horoscope will ruin your week. I suggest not reading anything for at least the next 40 days.

::Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capris are not just for women, but they are only for those with nice calves.

::Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Look under the fourth desk from the front on the far side of the room from the door in your second class on Tuesday. I left you a present.

::Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Something amazing will happen to you somewhere, somehow, at some time. Maybe it will be this month, maybe next year. I’m not too certain. But keep your eyes open.

::Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You decide to set a fashion statement this month, wearing white shoes after Labor Day. The world will follow shortly.

::Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
I know what you did this summer. And so does anyone else who reads your blog. Tone it down some.

::Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.

::Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You will see the world in a new light when you buy that lamp from Pier 1.

::Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Years from now they will make a movie about you. It will sell millions upon millions at the box office and inspire thousands of film students and writers with its originality and groundbreaking special effects. Will it matter that it’s a horror movie?

::If Your Birthday is Today
Friends and family will gather around you, all of whom will come up with creative and discrete ways of telling you “your fly is open.”

Sequal Galore

1.) Snakes on a Blimb: The Hindenburg Story
Tagline: "Ever Heard a Hiss on Helium?"
Christmass 2009

2.) Snakes on a Train: Python Express
Tagline: "Grand Central Strangulation"
Summer 2008

3.) Snakes on a Cruise: Cabin Pressure
Tagline: "Ssail the Ssseven Sssseassssss"
My Birthday 2008

4.) Snakes on a Bus: Need For Speed
Tagline: "Under 50, the Cobra Will Strike"
Halloween 2009

5.) Snakes in a Bathtub: Squeezy Clean
Tagline: "Someone Call the Plumber"
Easter 2009

honorable mentions:

Snakes on an Ambulance (The Sssssiren Song),
Snakes in Outerspace (Zero-G Venom),
Snakes on a College Campus (The Trouser Snake Who loved Me),
Snakes in my Mutha' f***in' Garden (That's Not a Cucumber!!),
Snakes on a Snake (Rated NC-17)

Words and Phrases I Don't Use Nearly Enough

:: High Tide Tidings (I overheard this the other day coming from this warbled, scraggly looking old man. He had a lot of tattoos so you know he's an authority on cool sayings...Whether they make sense or not.)

:: Jungle Boogie (Get down with the get down)

:: Collateral (2004 dreamworks SKG/Paramount Pictures American action/thriller film directed by Michael Mann and written by Stuart Beattie)

:: Phlebotomy (The process of taking blood from the body by way of needle, but yes you can refer to ex-girlfriends as phlebotomists for all the life they sucked out of you)

:: Discombobulate (Undo the bobulating)

:: Colloquial (With loquiality)

:: Masticate (To chew food...while you play with yourself)

:: Eschew Obfuscations (To avoid making confusing something that may have been confusing to begin with but possibly unavoidable and you're unaware of how to avoid the confusion)

:: Penultimate (That kick ass fountain pen that's like $200 dollars at Staples. It writes upside down for crying out loud!)

:: "Arrrrrr" (Pirate for...anything really. I suppose it's more of a filler, like 'um' or 'fo shizzle')

Ingredients For a Thursday Night

:: 12 bottles (that's 12 fluid ounces a piece) chilled domestic beer. I like my buzz watered down and metalic
:: 3 homemade chicken fajitas (Expect a wicked case of acid reflux and enough farts to power a gas stove.)
:: 12 dollars of midnight movie madness (pirates of the caribbean came out tonight. Hooray for pirates!)
:: 2 hours of Mario Cart (it doesn't matter which version or for what system--Mario Cart is the cure to the Thursday night blues.)
:: 1 very, very comfortable bed
:: A bathroom close by... Damn those fajitas!!

5 Things That Cause Writer's Block

:: A serious lack of originality or creativity
:: The voices in my head
:: The fact that those voices seriously lack originality or creativity
:: Tuna sandwhiches and hot wings
:: The internet

Must Love Llamas

I went through some boxes over break. They were hidden in the back of my closet at home. One of them, a large cardboard Corona box, was jammed-packed with EVERY note I received throughout middle and high school. Before taking them out back and burning them, I decided to read a few. I reminisced, thinking of past girlfriends, forgotten childhood friends, and illiterate lingo and abbreviations (LOL). Digging further, I came across a note, or a list I should say, that details what it is that I looked for in a girl in 8th grade. At the top in bright blue bubble letters it is titled "Phil's Perfect Girl List".

The words in Blue are word for word form THE LIST:

- Must weigh more than the clothing she wears (I guess Tara Reid and Brittany Murphy are out)
- Shoulder Length Hair (There is a dress code?! Who the Hell did I think I was?)
- Anything but red hair (What was I thinking back then?!?! Redheads are SO hot!)
- Pretty eyes (cliche)
- Shorter than me but not too short (6 feet tall Super Models are out)
- Smooth skin (I exfoliate)
- Not a hooch (Did I even know what a hooch was in 8th grade? I must have heard it in a song.)
- No Unibrow (Well I mean that's a given)
- Cute ears and nose (like a Dr Seus character)
- No Beards or Mustache (The circus creeps me out)
- Optimistic (There's a bright side to to your boyfriend being a total jackass)
- Athletic (I play poker, that's a sport right?)
- Nice teeth (Gingivitis!)
- Not tacky (Like this list)
- Not a bad driver (no one could drive in 8th grade. What was I thinking?)
- Doesn't have a psycho dad (Oh I have some good stories)
- Nice tan (In the middle of February?)
- Can dance (I can't)
- Open minded (About self-absorbed manipulative boyfriends)
- No boobie piercing (hahaha how times have changed. I'd give my left nut for a girlfriend with a pierced boobie. And, yes, it was written in the list as "boobie")
- No tongue ring or nose (read above)
- Not stuck up, selfish, self involved, or prissy (Like the authur of this list? How Ironical!)
- Not spoiled (Have you checked the expiration date?)
- Cute but not annoying laugh (I don't date Fran Drescher)
- Not Ghetto (This coming from a middle class white boy that goes to public school in suburban Virginia)
- Accents are cool (Ok, this still stands. Accents are always cool...Unless you are Fran Drescher)
- Not pimply (Funny thing is that I WAS when I wrote this. Acne is funny)
- Treats me the same as I treat her (Like a tool?)
- Doesn't act different around friends (Let me introduce you to Two-Face)
- Not a big flirt (Whatever, everyone was a flirt in middle and high school. I can getting my ass grabbed in the hallways numerous times, as I did the same.
- Loyal (Exactly, not as a pubescent teenager with raging hormones)
- Will wear pig tails (Wow I had a dirty mind)
- Willing to read this entire list (Willing to put up with my nonsense)
- Has pets (Why would I even include this?)
- Likes to cuddle (Women like to spoon. Men like to Fork.)
- Has a donkey (I'm not sure what I meant by this, but I could be referring to a lady's backside)
- This is awful but...Has boobs (I actually wrote it like this. So to summarize, I wanted a girl with a "donkey" and big, non-pierced boobies.)
- Romantic (Like I am? Yah, right)
- Warm (huh? Like Warm Blooded? I guess I don't date snakes.)
- Likes to Party (In middle school, "partying" consisted of a 2 liter bottle of sprite and loud backstreet boys songs while everyone stood around in groups, awkwardly eyeing people of the opposite sex. Wild and crazy huh?)
- Loves Adam Sandler (This was the sort of thing that was important to me in finding the love of my life.)
- Will not sit with me when I throw up (Was this a common problem?)
- Cute feet (I actually don't like feet.)
- Doesn't try to kiss me after eating pizza/no stanky breath (Always carry gum!)
- Trusts me (Cause I was loyal right?)
- Smart (if she was smart, she'd stay away from 8th grade me)
- Loves Sweedish Fish (Another high standard)
- Can read my... (I think this says handwriting)
- Not a picky eater (Well I guess picky eaters still bother me)
- experienced but not a slut (what does that even mean?)
- Not clingy (But will put up with ME being clingy)
- Likes football (Who doesn't?)
- Likes Kids (Future father right?)
- No protective siblings (Another funny story...)
- Willing to walk out of horrible movies (Trust me, this has come up. Have you ever seen Gigli? Me either...All the way through.)

This kind of reminded me of the "Vagina Song" by the Bloodhound Gang. I sure have changed. No longer am I shallow, self-absorbed, manipulative, horny jerk...I think. If I were to write a list again today, my sophomore year of college it would probably look something like this:

1.) Likes me
2.) Hasn't read the previous list
3.) Loves Sweedish Fish