I recently was asked to write an article for Virginia Tech's literary newsletter published by the English Students' Society. After much brain-thunderstorming, I decided on the following...
ESS Horoscopes for the Month of September:
::Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In some countries, Insomnia is thought to spring from an able body and a cunning mind. In others it is said to be a sign of possession by the devil. Rejoice or sacrifice a virgin, your choice.
::Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Your ability to find sexual innuendo in every conversation will lead you to great things this week as the government hires you to review hours of footage from President Clinton’s impeachment hearing. And they used to call you a “perv.”
::Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
It is good to sit at the bar with one's feet on the bright brass rail while the old hunters lie their lies about the snow leopards of Kilimanjaro.
::Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A negative horoscope will ruin your week. I suggest not reading anything for at least the next 40 days.
::Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capris are not just for women, but they are only for those with nice calves.
::Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Look under the fourth desk from the front on the far side of the room from the door in your second class on Tuesday. I left you a present.
::Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Something amazing will happen to you somewhere, somehow, at some time. Maybe it will be this month, maybe next year. I’m not too certain. But keep your eyes open.
::Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You decide to set a fashion statement this month, wearing white shoes after Labor Day. The world will follow shortly.
::Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
I know what you did this summer. And so does anyone else who reads your blog. Tone it down some.
::Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.
::Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You will see the world in a new light when you buy that lamp from Pier 1.
::Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Years from now they will make a movie about you. It will sell millions upon millions at the box office and inspire thousands of film students and writers with its originality and groundbreaking special effects. Will it matter that it’s a horror movie?
::If Your Birthday is Today
Friends and family will gather around you, all of whom will come up with creative and discrete ways of telling you “your fly is open.”
