five fake a cappella group names

1.) flat trick
2.) eureka pella
3.) the clefhangers
4.) kickin bass and takin notes
5.) eight guys doing something they'll brag about for a long long ridiculously long time

five favorite cartoon characters

1.) ralph wiggum
2.) jon q. arbuckle
3.) mayor adam west
4.) mojo jojo
5.) calvin

honorable mentions: boris and natasha

five euphemisms

for barf:
1.) laugh lung butter
2.) technicolor yodel
3.) call for huey
4.) burping bits
5.) go to europe with ralph and earl in a buick

for diarrhea
1.) liquidated assets
2.) brewing hot chocolate
3.) Drippidy Doo Da
4.) pour some coffee
5.) tomatoes are evil

i wish

(with a seinfeld flare)

1.) i wish all of my embarrassing situations and awkward silences were punctuated with a palliative laugh track
2.) i wish scenes in my life were separated by snippets of solo bass guitar riffs and a sample of percussion, pops, and clicks
3.) i wish everyone wore a lot more wrinkle-free Gap and L.L. Bean and J Crew
4.) i wish my friends made up elitist ironic words, laughed at them hysterically, and then used them over and over again until they became tired and irksome
5.) i wish my days could end with credits and a guy telling chuckle-worthy jokes

five late comebacks

1.) tu' madre
2.) she actually never said that
3.) I've got your nose
4.) You are not rick james. He's dead.
5.) that is precisely what she once dictated, but in a more compromising, sexual situation.

five grownup thoughts

1.) dry clean
2.) hungover
3.) annual percentage yield
4.) full windsor
5.) bon jovi

vice: songs i can't resist listening to when i come across them on the radio

1.) the distance - cake
2.) la grange - zz top
3.) under the bridge - red hot chili peppers
4.) cherry cherry - neil diamond
5.) brick - ben folds five

five things everybody loves

in addition to Raymond, of course
1.) coupons
2.) a math joke
3.) that party you're explaining to a friend who wasn't there.
4.) Riley
5.) somebody sometimes

friday twofer: lesson lists

five lessons I should have learned a lot sooner than I actually did
1.) If you're living beyond your means, then find a way to increase your means.
2.) Not all metaphors that you think work, actually work
3.) Everyone poops
4.) No one reads my blog, or stays up to date on my facebook page, or reads my twitter, or cares that I haven't used AIM for like three years. This was a tremendous relief when I finally figured it out.
5.) There is such a thing as a bad hug

five lessons I still haven't learned
1.) hot things are hot
2.) my hand is not made of a space-age, heat-resistant and tightly woven material
3.) if I touch hot things that are hot, I will get burned
4.) getting burned is not something I can make myself "man up" on
5.) how real estate works

five songs every musician must cover

1.) rainbow connection
2.) aquarela do brasil
3.) roll over beethoven
4.) something "eighties"
5.) personal jesus

I

am the one who let the dogs out. I'm sorry. Now please stop barking at me.

can draw a kangaroo in under five seconds.

know the difference between bullshit and horse shit.

am responsible for that metallic sour taste in your mouth every morning. And, no, brushing your teeth better won't help.

am late for work.

five best celebrity judges

1.) Gary Coleman
2.) Gilbert Gottfried
3.) That guy from that show that was reasonably popular on that premium cable channel
4.) Erik Estrada
5.) Kermit

five videos

1.) love the world
2.) with a rat a tat tat tat
3.) creepy crabs are right behind!
4.) Some videos really make me want to hear the initial conversation that gave birth to something like this. "So she's on a bike, right? And then BLAM! Bar spin!"
5.) roller blades are back!

five phrases I wish to never hear again

1.) "from the get-go"
2.) "Houston, we have a problem"
3.) "out of the loop"
4.) "and also in addition"
5.) "110%"

list from the adrenaline driven inner dialogue I enjoyed on friday night's run

(yes, dialogue, because monologues always sound suspiciously like dialogues, and that makes me angry)

What defines art? (step step, pant, huff) Fuck if I know. (step step) Art is, of course where art is. Literally, it's in a frame. (trip, cough, huff) It's in a gallery, or under some rich guy's roof. (pant, wince) It's in cardboard boxes in the back of closets. (step, step, stomp) It's usually found in frames. (sigh, gasp) I think, though, art is where it's not, and that's a good place to start in an attempt to define it. (step, huff, walk).

Art is where, it's not confined. It's not criticized for the sake of criticism. It's not used as a tool. It's not looked for. It's not required. It's not understood entirely. It's not made for you. It's not fair. It's not loved. It's not expensive. It's not noticeable. It isn't like everything else. It's not safe. It's not believed. It's not sure. It's not forgotten, but not remembered clearly either. It's not too much of anything. It's not enough. It's not reflective or deflective or re-directive or receiving. It's not trusted. It's not righteous. It's not always comfortable. It's not what it was. It's not produced. It's not completely original. It's not owned. It's not consumed. It's not what it will be. It's not easily destroyed, but still fragile. It's not just art. It's not just anything. It's not defined. Art is where it's not. It's not where art is, or what it is. I feel like art is. (pant, trot, run, huff)