Ten Things I Learned From the New Geriatric Jones Movie

1.) I want to be a professor
2.) There will always be a riddle.
3.) The government is loaded with secrets
4.) The world was almost destroyed by aliens in the early fifties.
5.) Sometimes the riddle will be written in a language that only a very small number on the planet know how to read. I will be one of those very few people.
6.) Everything stays fresher longer inside of a refrigerator
7.) As long as you duck, even a little bit, you will almost certainly avoid bodily harm.
8.) balance is exponentially increased when on top of a speeding vehicle
9.) I will solve the riddle by being well rehearsed in classic literature and only when I am out of breath
10.) Spielberg hates Russians

Reasons I'm rethinking my mother's day gift

1.) She told me not to get her anything... and I'm beginning to think that mother is always right.
2.) Address book? Seriously? I mean, really?
3.) Irony of giving my mother an empty address book the day after I graduate college with no place to go.
4.) Flowers are pretty. Moleskin and alphabetized, lined paper is not.
5.) An address book? c'mon!

What I do at my new (and first) job fresh out of college

1.) Empty trash
2.) Walk around briskly so as to look important
3.) Adjust my tie
4.) Check trash cans
5.) Fill in blanks
6.) File bulky files into file cabinet with other files...
7.) Look into trash cans and judge when they will need to be emptied in the not-too-distant future
8.) Spin around very very fast in my desk chair
9.) Loosen tie
10.) Write this
11.) Make lists of people I should call
12.) Day dream of office innovations
13.) Empty trash

5 things the war in Iraq is about (not oil)

1.) The Democratic Primaries
2.) The Holy Grail
3.) Street Cred
4.) Overpopulation
5.) You

5 Things White People Like

So I've been reading a blog called "Stuff White People Like" and it's brilliant. I feel that they have left out some very important "stuff" however.

1.) White people like self deprecation (or just deprecation in general) - It's hip to make fun of yourself, or others around you, as long as its in a classy and educated way. The ability to Make a persuasive argument is the new "I own a Jaguar." Just read the blog mentioned above
2.) White people love saving endangered things - If it's cute and it's in crisis, white people will throw money in its direction (whilst everyone else watches, because there's nothing worse than donating money and it going unnoticed)
3.) White people like expensive cookware - The knives don't go in the dishwasher and the $70 fire truck red Paula Deen Non-Stick skillet is not to be touched by anything metallic while stirring those cage-free eggs.
4.) White people enjoy shows about doctors - Scrubs, House, ER, General Hospital, Grey's Anatomy, to name a few.
5.) White people love blogs

A Growing list of My Favorite Names for Things

1.) Dog named "Black Lion"
2.) Compact car named "G. I. Go"
3.) Girl named Galatea Dunkel
4.) Fruit named "orange"
5.) Bums as "gentleman of the road"
6.) Bums as "Bums"
7.) Anything that can be perverted into a sexual connotation... Such as "Bum"
8.) Kid named "Crusty"
9.) Lawyers as "Esquire" (Just plain stupid)
10.) A Second job as "Moonlighting"
11.) Town named Lick Fork, Virginia
12.) "Diphthong"
14.) Anything as "Urban Legend"
15.) Band name "String Cheese Incident"
16.) Restaurants named "Joe's"
17.) "Bungalow"
18.) (There will be more at a later, non-specified date)

5 Things That I Admit

1.) I really don't give a shit about politics, I just talk about the presidential candidates because I think it makes me look smart.

2.) Dad, I DID spray paint that tree when I was eight. I found the orange spray paint in the garage and my imagination and curiosity took control. I have refused to admit it, even when you asked me jokingly after I graduated from High School. But now I'm coming clean in a list on a blog that you'll probably never read. I'm not sure why I couldn't just tell you the truth.

3.) I fabricate roughly 72% of my statistics and facts. 80% of the time I actually have no clue what I am talking about.

4.) I talk to myself... A lot actually. Sometimes, I'll just mouth the words, not actually talking, but telling myself things as if I were writing them down. I think everyone does it to some extent. It's extremely comforting at times and useful in sorting the jumble of thoughts going through my head. I probably do it the most on the shower: my creativity nexus. I firmly believe that talking to yourself does not make you crazy. Talking back does.

5.) I am not the charismatic, witty, and insanely handsome stud I tell myself I am.

(I guess three out of the five are about how I'm a compulsive liar. Wow, I should look into that.)

5 Things I Take for Granted

1.) Free water at restaurants. The best idea some politician ever had... Right next to democracy.
2.) My middle name. Some people don't have them, and here I am ignoring mine. I should embrace my middle name, scream it from the hilltops and insist that all my friends be familiar with it. For now I'll begin by including it whenever I write my name.
3.) Supermarkets. Life would be very different if I had to grow and hunt my own food. I definitely wouldn't be as picky. "You have shot 0 animals and have collected 0 pounds of meat. Return to wagon?"
4.) Fire. Often times I think of it as a given, but it's not. Caveman scientists slaved away for years to get the whole thing just right. Without it, so many things would be impossible, like chemistry, metal working, or playing with matches.
5.) Being American. Sure it can be a drag at times. Especially when traveling. But when I think about it, I really am lucky to live in a free, safe, and economically sound country, even if I do have to put up with American Idol and Country Music.

Sincerely,
Phillip Hussein Skaggs

5 (not so good?) Ideas for April Fools Practical Jokes

1.) Print 300 pictures of myself in different colors, poses, and sizes to leave in random places around the apartment for John (my roommate) to find throughout the next few months.
2.) Fill Kitchen cabinets with hundreds of ping pong balls and simply step away to let the magic happen the next time John needs a glass of water or a can of beans.
3.) Move all of John's furniture from his bedroom into the living room while simultaneously moving everything from the living room into his bedroom. (I'm afraid he won't move it back and will begin sleeping in the living room)
4.) Somehow create life-size cardboard cutouts and posters of myself to hide under his bed sheets, hang in his shower, and stuff into his closet (this may go hand in hand with number 1)
5.) Convince him he is under investigation by the FBI for downloading music over the internet.

On My Mind

1.) Ideas for a ridiculous prank to pull on my unsuspecting roommate this April Fools
2.) The life and work of Jack Kerouac
3.) Thick foreign beer
4.) The last episode of South Park where Cartman contracts Aids, gives it to Kyle, and then cures the disease with large amounts of cold cash shot directly into their veins.
5.) Creative and contrived jibberwocky.

5 Terms I Misunderstood When I Was Younger

1.) Affirmative Action: "Did you take action?" "Affirmative."
2.) Penultimate: a ballpoint to put all other ballpoints to shame
3.) The Electoral College: a place of higher education with majors in ballot tallying and writing confusing political run-on sentences
4.) Third World: an alternate dimension in which money is worth more than it actually is and water is bad for your health
5.) Menstrual Cycle: a magical traveling group of musicians who visit once a month--among them, famous children's poet "Aunt Flo" and a mysterious vagabond known only as "The Rag"

Bonus: Love

5 Things I See in My Immediate Future

1.) A glass of wine
2.) A blink
3.) A sandwich
4.) A good idea
5.) A nap

You may be a nerd of my generation if...

1.) You have ever dreamed in video games
2.) You quote facts you read on Wikipedia
3.) You have ever started a story with, "something I wrote in my blog..."
4.) You can hum the entire soundtrack to Tetris
5.) You keep a collection of floppy disks titled "killer Apps for W95!!"

5 Beliefs that Scientology Believers Believe

1.) Good ol' L. Ron is god.
2.) Humans are polluted with alien souls
3.) Ol' L. Ron is actually still alive, just not in his body... and not on Earth. In fact he isn't alive, but actually a plasma spirit thingie on a planet that can't be seen with a telescope... Oh! and he's coming back soon.
4.) You too can buy happiness
5.) Tom Cruise is NOT insane.

5 Songs I Want Played at My Funeral (on loop)

1.) "I Won't Back Down" - Tom Petty
2.) "I Will Survive" - version by Cake
3.) "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" - Dean Martin
(unless, of course, I die via kick to the head)
4.) "Another One Bites the Dust" - Queen
5.) "Thriller" - Michael Jackson