five fake a cappella group names

1.) flat trick
2.) eureka pella
3.) the clefhangers
4.) kickin bass and takin notes
5.) eight guys doing something they'll brag about for a long long ridiculously long time

five favorite cartoon characters

1.) ralph wiggum
2.) jon q. arbuckle
3.) mayor adam west
4.) mojo jojo
5.) calvin

honorable mentions: boris and natasha

five euphemisms

for barf:
1.) laugh lung butter
2.) technicolor yodel
3.) call for huey
4.) burping bits
5.) go to europe with ralph and earl in a buick

for diarrhea
1.) liquidated assets
2.) brewing hot chocolate
3.) Drippidy Doo Da
4.) pour some coffee
5.) tomatoes are evil

i wish

(with a seinfeld flare)

1.) i wish all of my embarrassing situations and awkward silences were punctuated with a palliative laugh track
2.) i wish scenes in my life were separated by snippets of solo bass guitar riffs and a sample of percussion, pops, and clicks
3.) i wish everyone wore a lot more wrinkle-free Gap and L.L. Bean and J Crew
4.) i wish my friends made up elitist ironic words, laughed at them hysterically, and then used them over and over again until they became tired and irksome
5.) i wish my days could end with credits and a guy telling chuckle-worthy jokes

five late comebacks

1.) tu' madre
2.) she actually never said that
3.) I've got your nose
4.) You are not rick james. He's dead.
5.) that is precisely what she once dictated, but in a more compromising, sexual situation.

five grownup thoughts

1.) dry clean
2.) hungover
3.) annual percentage yield
4.) full windsor
5.) bon jovi

vice: songs i can't resist listening to when i come across them on the radio

1.) the distance - cake
2.) la grange - zz top
3.) under the bridge - red hot chili peppers
4.) cherry cherry - neil diamond
5.) brick - ben folds five

five things everybody loves

in addition to Raymond, of course
1.) coupons
2.) a math joke
3.) that party you're explaining to a friend who wasn't there.
4.) Riley
5.) somebody sometimes

friday twofer: lesson lists

five lessons I should have learned a lot sooner than I actually did
1.) If you're living beyond your means, then find a way to increase your means.
2.) Not all metaphors that you think work, actually work
3.) Everyone poops
4.) No one reads my blog, or stays up to date on my facebook page, or reads my twitter, or cares that I haven't used AIM for like three years. This was a tremendous relief when I finally figured it out.
5.) There is such a thing as a bad hug

five lessons I still haven't learned
1.) hot things are hot
2.) my hand is not made of a space-age, heat-resistant and tightly woven material
3.) if I touch hot things that are hot, I will get burned
4.) getting burned is not something I can make myself "man up" on
5.) how real estate works

five songs every musician must cover

1.) rainbow connection
2.) aquarela do brasil
3.) roll over beethoven
4.) something "eighties"
5.) personal jesus

I

am the one who let the dogs out. I'm sorry. Now please stop barking at me.

can draw a kangaroo in under five seconds.

know the difference between bullshit and horse shit.

am responsible for that metallic sour taste in your mouth every morning. And, no, brushing your teeth better won't help.

am late for work.

five best celebrity judges

1.) Gary Coleman
2.) Gilbert Gottfried
3.) That guy from that show that was reasonably popular on that premium cable channel
4.) Erik Estrada
5.) Kermit

five videos

1.) love the world
2.) with a rat a tat tat tat
3.) creepy crabs are right behind!
4.) Some videos really make me want to hear the initial conversation that gave birth to something like this. "So she's on a bike, right? And then BLAM! Bar spin!"
5.) roller blades are back!

five phrases I wish to never hear again

1.) "from the get-go"
2.) "Houston, we have a problem"
3.) "out of the loop"
4.) "and also in addition"
5.) "110%"

list from the adrenaline driven inner dialogue I enjoyed on friday night's run

(yes, dialogue, because monologues always sound suspiciously like dialogues, and that makes me angry)

What defines art? (step step, pant, huff) Fuck if I know. (step step) Art is, of course where art is. Literally, it's in a frame. (trip, cough, huff) It's in a gallery, or under some rich guy's roof. (pant, wince) It's in cardboard boxes in the back of closets. (step, step, stomp) It's usually found in frames. (sigh, gasp) I think, though, art is where it's not, and that's a good place to start in an attempt to define it. (step, huff, walk).

Art is where, it's not confined. It's not criticized for the sake of criticism. It's not used as a tool. It's not looked for. It's not required. It's not understood entirely. It's not made for you. It's not fair. It's not loved. It's not expensive. It's not noticeable. It isn't like everything else. It's not safe. It's not believed. It's not sure. It's not forgotten, but not remembered clearly either. It's not too much of anything. It's not enough. It's not reflective or deflective or re-directive or receiving. It's not trusted. It's not righteous. It's not always comfortable. It's not what it was. It's not produced. It's not completely original. It's not owned. It's not consumed. It's not what it will be. It's not easily destroyed, but still fragile. It's not just art. It's not just anything. It's not defined. Art is where it's not. It's not where art is, or what it is. I feel like art is. (pant, trot, run, huff)

pretty much the most profound things that I can think of at the moment

1.) cartoons in the New Yorker
2.) an episode of Scooby Doo dubbed over with indie folk music
3.) which came first, the chic pea or the eggplant?
4.) the verbal response you would have if you heard from a friend that a professional athlete was kidnapped last night, only to be found by police two hours later
5.) this

what creativity feels like

1.) a very small but unbelievably delicious meal
2.) a bead of quickly evaporating sweat rolling down a rough and salty temple
3.) a loud and animated argument with someone who is horrible at arguing, but great at lying
4.) a well placed punch to the face followed by blackness and confusion
5.) the seams of a water slide that scratch your backbone as you plummet downward under a suspended blanket of clear droplets and into a cool, deep pool below.

five things that say a lot about me

1.) the momentS that i cHoose to use capItal letTers
2.) the fact that I still often say resume (with emphasis on the U) and not resume' (emphasis on the E that sounds like an A) because I won't be told what to do by a floating piece of punctuation. I live by no one's grammar but my own. I'm a rebel without a clause.
3.) the books that are not on my shelf, but on my floor
4.) the jokes I like to tell over and over and over again
5.) the lyrics I be spittin

five fake advertising slogans for my local college radio station

1.) "WUVT: Perfecting the long, static-y, awkward pause since 1962"
2.) "WUVT: If you give a kid some pot, he's going to want a microphone... And vinyl records."
3.) "WUVT: You'll love the sound of our voice almost as much as we do."
4.) "WUVT: We don't know the name of that last band either."
5.) "WUVT: Talking heads, every hour, on the hour."

Bonus: "WUVT: Your source for the monotone, grainy, and slightly off key live version of all your favorite songs you've never heard."

five television shows I miss immensely

1.) Wishbone
2.) Bill Nye the Science Guy
3.) The Critic
4.) Reading Rainbow
5.) MacGyver

But don't take my word for it

five cheap treats

1.) The smell of burning wood
2.) Watching old people
3.) The crisp yet static snarl of ripping paper
4.) Unintentional sexual innuendo
5.) Realizing things, like that this list sounds creepy out of context... And maybe even in context

what if it were easier done than said?

1.) writing a unicycle
2.) riding a book
3.) cooking fish
4.) healthcare reform
5.) being John Malkovich

five goals

1.) Watch every movie that has ever been recommended to me by a stranger.
2.) Learn how to play piano...Or at least how to play Bruce Hornsby's "That's Just the Way It Is," but better.
3.) Organize my book collection into something other than "what I say I read" in this area and "what I actually did read" in that area.
4.) Finally buy that $35 shot of Tequila at that restaurant with all the Tequila, confirming once and for all that all expensive liquors taste the same. Amazing.
5.) Pick up some toilet paper at Kroger

five questions

1.) Why does the letter G get to be J if it wants, and then J becomes an H? we just loose H? Did it go somewhere or die or evaporate? Isn't anyone concerned? We loose a letter and no one cares? No one feels wronged, a letter and a small piece of yourself missing? We need to find it. We need to send out a searcH party... OH tHere it is. WHew! How could we live witHout you, H? How indeed.
2.) Why would an actress buy crack? Can't she afford cocain?
3.) Why does my KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce think I listen to Tim McGraw? And why does it assume that I want to see him in concert, or while I'm eating.
4.) How's my driving?
5.) Why do I love the VH1-coined hybrid word "Celeb-Reality?"

five things I find enjoyable lately

1.) recollections of the future
2.) the gentle hum and tinker of the refrigerator
3.) spelling things that are spelled differently in other countries, like theatre or gaol
4.) Lists.
5.) cold colours

New Links!

I've added ten new philinks to your right

Theory Thursdays

1.) Air conditioning is the cure for cancer, aids, and swamp ass.
2.) Swiping your open hand across anything (a hopeless game of chess or a cluttered desk top) doesn't ever actually prove a point. As the argument or tantrum rages on, everyone is left silently wondering, "who's going to clean that up?!"
3.) Upon further contemplation, I do not, in fact, need a motorcycle for better gas mileage. I need a horse.
4.) Personal enjoyment of smooth jazz and the weather channel can be directly correlated to the body's current levels of drugs and/or alcohol. I'm working on the graph.
5.) The reason gas prices are so high is because you pick your nose when no one is looking.

Five Things I Remembered Today

1.) There's a republican candidate for the presidential election.
2.) Health insurance is, and will always be, inconvenient.
3.) Yesterday.
4.) The snows of Kilimanjaro.
5.) Satisfaction.

Five More Things White People Like

Again, I was reading the remarkable white-ology satire blog stuffwhitepeoplelike and it got me thinking of my personal list "things honkeys find fascinating"

1.) Nascar
2.) Boats
3.) Infomercials. Just count the number of dogs, cups of tea, and accounts of planned diversity.
4.) Other people's thoughts
5.) You