five things I do that are probably annoying to someone else

1) make things up when I don't know the answer
2) repeatedly use cornball jokes your dad would tell
3) interrupt people when they are talking to me
4) insert "that's what she said" into ironic moments in conversation. not where it is supposed to go to make sense, but purposely where it makes none
5) smile when arguing

five things I don't like very much

1.) people who pretend to talk on cell phones when walking alone in public
2.) black lights
3.) t-shirts that are stretched out around the neck
4.) picky eaters
5.) dirty jokes

i wish

(with a seinfeld flare)

1.) i wish all of my embarrassing situations and awkward silences were punctuated with a palliative laugh track
2.) i wish scenes in my life were separated by snippets of solo bass guitar riffs and a sample of percussion, pops, and clicks
3.) i wish everyone wore a lot more wrinkle-free Gap and L.L. Bean and J Crew
4.) i wish my friends made up elitist ironic words, laughed at them hysterically, and then used them over and over again until they became tired and irksome
5.) i wish my days could end with credits and a guy telling chuckle-worthy jokes