five questions I'd like to ask barack

1) who's your speech writer?
2) are we there yet?
3) do you have change for a dollar?
4) nervous?
5) can we?

five favorite not-so-great songs that you may have forgotten about or never heard at all

1) Body Movin' - beastie boys
2) Superman - goldfinger
3) Dune Buggy - the presidents of the united states of america
4) that song from The Life Aquatic
5) Down Under - men at work

five criteria on which the presidential candidates should be chosen

1) their ability to recite the names of every member of the house and senate in alphabetical order
2) whether or not they have a hot daughter that is roughly my age
3) whether or not they can achieve the presidential award on their physical fitness test (I doubt mccain can pull out a decent v-sit and reach)
4) whether or not their smile makes other nations angry
5) their ability to rhyme

make it a three-fer

five political things that make me blink

1) I guess it's obvious which party controls (most of) the internet. Although, what made me blink was the inclusion of the "bonus video." Seriously?
2) He makes a few good points... kinda. I mean he's an actor, so I guess that means we should sort of pay attention... right? Where's Tom Cruise's opinion anyway?
3) All I could think about was "his shirt is way too big!"
4) November is going to be nuts... doesn't matter who wins
5) It's hard to remember sometimes, as we get caught up in Obama-land, that there's another side to the election. My grandmother and aunt send me plenty of closed-minded and down right racist emails on a daily basis bent at appealing to my "if not this, then must be that" sensibility. If I'm for Obama, then I'm against Iraqi freedom and our military. And if I'm against the military, then I'm anti-American and unpatriotic. If I'm anti-American, then I'm Satan. Thus, McCain must be president. I just had mental flashes of the Scarlet Letter and Animal Farm (the curse of an English major). Some of the emails I've received from family members have made me downright sick. I guess they have their point and their right, as do several hundred thousand other Americans. I just hope that, as I grow older, I don't lose my ability to stay open-minded and considerate of all the factors that sit on top of Washington, DC. I hope I'm never sending my kids and grandkids intolerant and offensive emails... But perhaps tradition, like stereotypes, exists beyond our control...

five ironic futures that will never happen

1) Ron Paul becomes the first President to ever win an election as a "write-in candidate"
2) Google becomes its own nation, builds an army of ridiculous robots, and takes over the world by force while repeatedly screaming "I'm feeling lucky!"
3) Scientists discover that marijuana is the cure for cancer, HIV, diabetes, and hangovers, but put off telling the world until after finishing an episode of Family Guy
4) Bill Gates de-invents the internet just to show everyone that he can
5) Britney Spears gets the last laugh

Five more rock solid, solid as a rock, rock-on, rolling rock, knock on rock, solidified, truthy truths

1.) Anything can sound profound if you parallel the subject with its opposite: "what goes up, must come down;" "one man's treasure is another man's trash;" "if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger;" "mo' money, mo' problems."
2.) Yelling "GO! GO! GO! GO GO!" while pumping a fist in the air can get someone to do anything.
3.) "That's not change. That's more of the same thing."
4.) A deaf president would make a great president. More hand gestures. Less liability.
5.) The fifth in the list is always supposed to be a "kicker."