five things that I don't understand as much as I should

1.) punctuation;
2.) the government
3.) el spanish
4.) sarcasm
5.) American Psycho

i wish

(with a seinfeld flare)

1.) i wish all of my embarrassing situations and awkward silences were punctuated with a palliative laugh track
2.) i wish scenes in my life were separated by snippets of solo bass guitar riffs and a sample of percussion, pops, and clicks
3.) i wish everyone wore a lot more wrinkle-free Gap and L.L. Bean and J Crew
4.) i wish my friends made up elitist ironic words, laughed at them hysterically, and then used them over and over again until they became tired and irksome
5.) i wish my days could end with credits and a guy telling chuckle-worthy jokes