ten favorite posts of 2008

1) five fake a cappella group names
2) five euphemisms
3) i wish
4) you may be a nerd of my generation if...
5) five grownup thoughts
6) what creativity feels like
7) five things that say a lot about me
8) five voices that floor me
9) ten things I was reminded of from my 15 year old self
10) five things heath ledger most likely did not die from

five things that come in waves

1) ideas
2) a message in a bottle
3) a zombie attack
4) heat
5) sperm whales

cart before the horse

five names for the book I haven't written

1) Seemingly Random Times
2) Hijinks Ensue
3) Things I Swore I'd Remember
4) Naked Sauna Epiphany
5) phiList

things that cause me to instantly lose respect for the person associated with it

1) toupees
2) laser pointers
3) romance novels
4) segways
5) obsessions
6) food on face
7) vests worn without a suit
8) chain-letters
9) very long fingernails
10) bad ideas

five favorite not-so-great songs that you may have forgotten about or never heard at all

1) Body Movin' - beastie boys
2) Superman - goldfinger
3) Dune Buggy - the presidents of the united states of america
4) that song from The Life Aquatic
5) Down Under - men at work

five things I have trouble understanding

1) secret santa
2) why cold beer tastes better than warm beer
3) black lights
4) areolae = nipple frames?
5) neck ties

five things i don't like about christmas

haven't posted in a while. whoops.

1) wanting snow that never comes
2) santa hats (they make my ears hot)
3) diva christmas music that amounts basically to yodeling over top of 'silver bells' (jessica simpson, you're done! please)
4) late night drunken family games
5) indigestion

five places where moods change quickly and often

1) conversations
2) cars
3) the end of a meal
4) various places in line
5) the internet

five things that are way more personal than we think they should be

1) use of the word "luck"
2) giving directions
3) loading a dishwasher
4) medicine cabinets
5) gas

five things that scare me

1) taking a bath
2) broken bones
3) really really small insects in large numbers
4) amateur poetry
5) smart people with power

five things I learned from bumper stickers

1) one in five drivers is also a scuba diver
2) everyone has been to the outer banks
3) Calvin may have a bladder problem
4) offensive things are less offensive when they rhyme
5) a lot of people don't understand the term "resale value"

five things that are optimum for seeing faces in

1) pictures
2) windows
3) clouds
4) baked goods
5) mirrors

five things that offend me

1) keanu reeves
2) places that say they're not hiring but that they're accepting applications
3) bad breath
4) facebook suggesting people it thinks I should be friends with
5) fiscal policy

the perfect plan

I don't usually post non-list things on here. But this was too good to pass up. I was reading a post on toplessrobot.com and this dialogue made me laugh for about twenty minutes.

...yes I'm a nerd
- - - - -
Let us imagine that Luke Skywalker is trying to tell you his plan to rescue Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt.

Luke: “Okay so, first we get Lando Calrissian posing as a guard inside Jabba’s Palace.”

You: “How do we do that?”

Luke: “We just get him a costume and he—just walks in.”

You: “Um, okay, say it’s that easy. So then Lando gets Han out of the carbonite and we pick them up and get away?”

Luke: “No. What happens next is that I put my lightsaber in a hidden compartment in R2-D2 and send R2-D2 and C3PO to Jabba the Hutt as gifts.”

You: “Wait, why-“

Luke: “Just listen. Next we have Leia pose as a bounty hunter arriving at Jabba’s palace with Chewbacca captured. She’s going to hand over Chewbacca to Jabba.”

You: “Wait, why? Wouldn’t that mean we would now have to rescue Han Solo, Chewbacca, R2-D2 and C3PO? That just makes it more difficult, right?”

Luke: “Just go with me here. Next, Leia is going to sneak around at night and get Han Solo out of the carbonite, but get captured.”

You: “What? Why would we get everyone captured like that?”

Luke: “Now I’ll show up, use my Force powers to get in to Jabba’s fortress, get past the guards to an audience before Jabba and then use my Jedi mind trick to get Jabba to release everyone. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll get captured.”

You: “Okay, if you can just use your Force powers to get in to the palace and all the way to Jabba, then let's just have you go in right now and get Han out."

Luke: “No, that's stupid. I’m going to get myself captured. Because then you see, we’ll be taken to the sarlacc pit and then, when we’re on the skiff, I’ll get sent out first and then R2-D2 will manage to get to the top of Jabba’s sail barge and shoot out my lightsaber, and then with Lando’s help, we’ll just—rescue everyone and then everything will be fine!”

You: “That is the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard of.”

Luke:“I’ve thought of everything.”

You: “Clearly you didn’t.”

five things I do that are probably annoying to someone else

1) make things up when I don't know the answer
2) repeatedly use cornball jokes your dad would tell
3) interrupt people when they are talking to me
4) insert "that's what she said" into ironic moments in conversation. not where it is supposed to go to make sense, but purposely where it makes none
5) smile when arguing

five words i'd like to use

in the context of these definitions

1) reel: a lively dance of the Scottish Highlands
2) legit: a jazz musician's somewhat ironic term for music, or a gig, that is not Jazz
3) beerocracy: government by brewers or brewing interests
4) counterfeiter: someone who puts together kitchen cabinets
5) rookieduke

five things that have recently made me happy

1) this picture
2) this video
3) this fake commercial
4) this movie trailer
5) my lsat score

five things that are better remembered than they actually were

1) that thing you went to drunk
2) fast food meals
3) sitcoms
4) ex-girlfriends
5) anecdotes

from email to blog to mission accomplished

My sister sent me one of those chainy emails a week ago. It was a list of lists. I drooled. Here are my answers.

1) Four places that I go to over and over: kroger, the bathroom, on a run, the cellar (bar)

2) Four people who e-mail me regularly: grandma, varous virginia tech listservs, facebook, prince zhibaraj of kenya

3) Four of my favorite places to eat: in my bed, on a comfortable couch, on a grassy hill, with my family

4) Four places I would rather be right now: in a movie theater, chicago, in law school, two years ago

5) Four people I think will respond: no one reads my blog

6) Four TV shows I watch: ace of cakes, the office, bizarre foods, no reservations

irritatingly punny

five businesses to start with a name and go from there

1) CupKate's: bakery for someone named kate

2) Pizza This: italian restaraunt (slogan- "you wanna pizza me" featuring a britney spears look-a-like biting into a delicious pizza) "fun for the whole dysfunctional family"

3) Guilt-Tea: tea shop and sex boutique

4) Startrucks: truck-stop coffee shop where poetic elitist truckers go to be seen and spend ridiculous amounts of time reading thick novels and updating their twitter

5) Books-a-Trillion: one-up two-up

soundtrack to an uneventful life

Wake up: the siren song of my alarm clock laced with the growling of my girlfriends multiple vibrating phone alarms

breakfast: whistling of the tea kettle punctuated by the crackle of fried eggs

shower: the drum of the falling water and soprano whine of water pressure

internet surfing: youtube random beats interrupted by tracks of laughter and the clickity clack of computer keys

lunch: hum and chew, crunch and swallow

miscellaneous work and boredom: sighs and yawns, and wind instruments

dinner: an unpredictable opera of boiling water, cutting board chops, running faucets, and sliding kitchen drawers

late night television: assorted snippets of the who on CSI and the intoxicating final jeopardy jingle

falling asleep: the victorious bass of neighbors stereo and lyrical shouting in apartment hallway

five things that have been given a bad rap

whether they deserved it or not

1) tobacco
2) tomatoes
3) puns
4) hipsters
5) poets

(i feel bad for hipsters who use lots of puns in their poetry and read them aloud while smoking cigarettes. and tomatoes)

five generic long-term goals

1) find a job I like, and keep it
2) don't be responsible for, or even a contributing factor to, anyone's death
3) be someone's role model
4) don't go to jail
5) wrestle a clown

four fake words and one useless one

1) snowvember
2) horrorscope
3) sparkitecture
4) gubernatorial
5) chinpossible

five criteria on which the presidential candidates should be chosen

1) their ability to recite the names of every member of the house and senate in alphabetical order
2) whether or not they have a hot daughter that is roughly my age
3) whether or not they can achieve the presidential award on their physical fitness test (I doubt mccain can pull out a decent v-sit and reach)
4) whether or not their smile makes other nations angry
5) their ability to rhyme

so there's that

Results of your Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz:

"You scored a total of 51"

five things that make you wonder if its creator was on drugs

1) lolcats
2) the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics (even more questionable: the many-minds theory)
3) planet earth the series
4) giant t.v. remotes
5) planet earth the thing

evolution of music

drums
drums and humming
just humming
replace humming with moaning
add drums back in again
throw in a hollow tube that you can blow through
moaning turns into words
combine words and drums and hollow tubes with new wooden thing with strings
now make it all electronic


(this is 2008's 100th list! whoopie!)

five more dirty jobs for mike rowe

1) elementary school janitor
2) costar to ben afleck
3) plumber for andrew zimmern
4) testicle surgery shaver
5) accountant

five things I don't know the difference between

1) sneakers and tennis shoes
2) audrey hepburn and katharine hepburn
3) sugar and caffeine
4) cobalt and royal blue
5) r&b

the fmb awards

five more 'bests' that have infected my life like a disfiguring skin fungus lying in wait on the floor of a public shower

the award for:
1) best song to induce irresistible cheesy white-guy head-bobbing goes to bay-root (runner-up for best video of a guy playing an empty snapple bottle)
2) best new way for me to spend way too much money goes to friggin cereal
3) best dedicated performance goes to this chick (check out the finger points at 1:42 and again at 2:58)
4) best amazingness that makes me wish I had majored in something else goes to illu-imagine-ation (i want this one)
5) best random website find today goes to the curiosityshoppe

Ten things I was reminded of from my 15 year old self

As a project during my freshman year of high school (it's dated January 9, 2001), the teacher told us to write a letter to ourselves four years from then and that she would give it back to us when we graduated. I found this letter recently (almost 8 years later) in a box under a box and was reminded of some rather strange yet familiar things. For some reason, I feel that this is what everyone's freshman-to-future-self letter would have looked like.

1) "high school rules!"
2) my "handwriting is terrible and [my] grammar is even worse, but [i'm] a rising guitar player"
3) inside joke: "take a brisk walk. a brisk walk in my ass!"
4) a song I once wrote called "monster coochie"
5) inside joke: "ten foot clown pole"
6) another song I wrote called "little punk rock girl" for a girl named Jenna Scharf.
7) "Call Laura Tuteral, your best friend, in Florida!"
8) inside joke: "carrot shop"
9) "before you judge someone, you must walk a mile in their shoes. Then turn around and judge them, because you're a mile away and now you have their shoes."
10) my handwriting looks the same and I still can't play guitar

hard to define transitions

1) the temperature between yummy coffee and dark, acidic water
2) the space between being complete strangers and being friends: "friengers"
3) age 22 to 27: an old dick to your younger friends and a young asshole to your older ones
4) the moment you realize you are wrong
5) the area between a coherent and accurate memory and a fuzzy and questionable image that could have been a dream

things that make me shiver lately

1) the future
2) law school applications
3) the military
4) fall weather
5) sara palin

here come the links

went to the beach over columbus day weekend and a friend ended up using the opportunity to get engaged

something old: i want that painted on my wall

something new: what's newer than the future?

something borrowed: my sister introduced me to it and now i'm learning names i never knew

something blue: just discovered and i'm anxious to give it a go

something for you: let it do the dirty work

five more (yes i'm irritable) annoying things

1) forced accents
2) breaking a chip off in the salsa
3) being corrected on grammar
4) finding out too late that your new beer is not a twist off
5) being reminded of a mistake you already beat yourself up over

being ahead of a curve that you aren't a part of

fivethirtyeight: I blogged about it a few posts ago (number 1) and then see it talked about on the Colbert Report. I think I'll take the credit for that. Yep, it's a good thing Stephen Colbert reads my blog. You're welcome Nate Silver!

five things that are surprisingly delicious
1) warm raisins
2) peanut butter and jelly mixed with yogurt
3) cold beer after a run
4) frozen peanut butter cups
5) solving a problem

bonus) peanut butter

five things I've been introduced to lately and I like

1) thanks to some girl and stumbleupon
2) thanks to craig
3) thanks to vincent the geek
4) thanks to webupon and vincent the geek
5) thanks to newsgrounds and webupon and vincent the geek

five annoying things that don't have a specific name

1) someone commenting on your strategy of playing a game while you play that same game, sometimes against that person
2) the sound of drunk laughter through a wall when you have to get up early in the morning
3) thinking you have food in the refrigerator that really isn't there
4) watching t.v. and seeing the same commercial twice during a commercial break
5) having a song stuck in your head, but only part of it, and can't remember either who it's by or what it's called, and when you hum it to your friends to see if they can recognize it, they just look at you like your crazy and try to change the subject nervously, but you persist, because it's been bugging you all day, just repeating and repeating the same 4 or 5 or 10 words with that catchy melody that goes up and down and then pauses on that one note for a couple of seconds, and it reminds you of that time in high school when you were making out

best fake father figures

1) gene hackman
2) darren mcgavin
3) robin williams
4) chevy chase
5) sean connery

five things i did the hour before i took the lsat

1) ate a lot of yogurt
2) trimmed my beard
3) cut my finger nails
4) 35 pushups
5) flossed

hard to break habits

1) laughing out of sympathy
2) staying up past midnight
3) beer
4) exaggerated and clearly audible yawns
5) sniffing fingers all day after cutting up onions
6) making lists that are longer than five points
7) ignoring people that make me uncomfortable
8) using the word "awesome" and the phrase "right on" when i have noting else to say
9) capitalizing the word "i"
10) assuming things
11) scab picking
12) internet social networking (a lot like scab picking)
13) talking during movies that aren't in theaters
14) House, Scrubs, CSI, Law and Order, and The Office
15) not using a coaster
16) selfishness
17) sleeping on my stomach
18) living beyond my means
19) using curse words that you don't consider curse words
20) introducing people by their nickname
21) air conditioning
22) midnight snack
23) reading newspaper articles from the end to the beginning
24) using commas, way too much
25) lip biting
26) procrastination
27) pessimism
28) ignorance
29) saying "you too" at inappropriate moments, like when a waiter says "enjoy your meal" or a friend says "feel better"
30) staring blankly into space

five things that you don't want to be

1) inside-out
2) putting baby in a corner
3) an enabler
4) redundant
5) redundant

October PhiLinks

1) if you love charts and hate the election, then this may be interesting. Or it may not.
2) screw obama and mccain, lets bring back LBJ
3) paper cutouts... why didn't I think of that?
4) carfun footprint calculator
5) get lost in photoshop genius. inspiring gig posters.
6) just in case you're feeling too loved today, there's this to bring you down a peg or two, or five.
7) random . generators . are . fun
8) free
9) Spidee

the end... 'till november

five phrases I don't want to hear in the media again for a long long time

Because they make me dread something that I have no very little control over

1) "just a heartbeat away"
2) "bailout"
3) "gotcha _______"
4) "recession"
5) "hockey mom"

five more things that annoy me the most

1) silent rooms where the smack-gnash-chew of someone grinding ferociously at a piece of gum can be heard directly behind me
2) standardized tests
3) bodily functions
4) karma
5) political . debates

instances when less is (gag) more

when less is a good thing and more is a nightmare

1) roommates
2) disney channel
3) bumper stickers
4) nose hair
5) celebrity news

instances when less is (not) more

when less is, without a doubt, less

1) teeth
2) potential
3) natural resources
4) time
5) ice cream

five things people lie about

1) exercise
2) experience
3) controlled substances
4) sex
5) family

five more jobs I wish I had

1) t.v. doctor
2) jello test taster
3) lighthouse keeper
4) celebrity fragrance producer
5) Jared

five things that annoy me the most

1) talk radio
2) paula dean
3) fruit flies
4) my roommate's girlfriend's voice when I'm trying to take a nap
5) unibrows

make it a three-fer

five political things that make me blink

1) I guess it's obvious which party controls (most of) the internet. Although, what made me blink was the inclusion of the "bonus video." Seriously?
2) He makes a few good points... kinda. I mean he's an actor, so I guess that means we should sort of pay attention... right? Where's Tom Cruise's opinion anyway?
3) All I could think about was "his shirt is way too big!"
4) November is going to be nuts... doesn't matter who wins
5) It's hard to remember sometimes, as we get caught up in Obama-land, that there's another side to the election. My grandmother and aunt send me plenty of closed-minded and down right racist emails on a daily basis bent at appealing to my "if not this, then must be that" sensibility. If I'm for Obama, then I'm against Iraqi freedom and our military. And if I'm against the military, then I'm anti-American and unpatriotic. If I'm anti-American, then I'm Satan. Thus, McCain must be president. I just had mental flashes of the Scarlet Letter and Animal Farm (the curse of an English major). Some of the emails I've received from family members have made me downright sick. I guess they have their point and their right, as do several hundred thousand other Americans. I just hope that, as I grow older, I don't lose my ability to stay open-minded and considerate of all the factors that sit on top of Washington, DC. I hope I'm never sending my kids and grandkids intolerant and offensive emails... But perhaps tradition, like stereotypes, exists beyond our control...

It's another twofer fer twoday

five words I aim to use more often because they make me feel good

1) gratis
2) incumbent
3) strudel
4) jolly
5) pardon


five words I never want to hear again because they make me feel gross

1) blogosphere
2) economy
3) adult
4) wikiality
5) rent

five things that defined my weekend

and I wish hadn't

1) personal pan pizzas
2) a sick roommate
3) four kegs
4) stale ultra-light cigarettes
5) the internet

five jobs I want

1.) The guy that thinks up ways to show how absorbent a brand of toilet paper is in a commercial
2.) Professional bobsled athlete
3.) Keebler Elf
4.) The guy (or girl) in charge of naming Ikea furniture
5.) corpse (#43)

five things in my room that I don't think I need anymore... nor ever did

1) 35 mph speed limit sign
2) pack of floppy disks
3) sigmund freud action figure
4) rubber ink stamp with the phrase "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
5) three of my four "complete collections" of shakespeare

five ironic futures that will never happen

1) Ron Paul becomes the first President to ever win an election as a "write-in candidate"
2) Google becomes its own nation, builds an army of ridiculous robots, and takes over the world by force while repeatedly screaming "I'm feeling lucky!"
3) Scientists discover that marijuana is the cure for cancer, HIV, diabetes, and hangovers, but put off telling the world until after finishing an episode of Family Guy
4) Bill Gates de-invents the internet just to show everyone that he can
5) Britney Spears gets the last laugh

five things mentioned during a conversation I'm having right now

1) Walking with bombs
2) freewill as an anti-christian invention
3) Cookie Monster
4) Dr. Dre
5) Riding in the bed of a truck on a highway

five things that I don't understand as much as I should

1.) punctuation;
2.) the government
3.) el spanish
4.) sarcasm
5.) American Psycho

philinks

new philinks posted

five depressing things

1.) that stain on your favorite shirt that you didn't notice until you wore it to that bar on Saturday night
2.) bank statements
3.) the movie Kids
4.) high school faculty
5.) depressants

five things I don't want to do

1.) go out tonight
2.) take a shower
3.) stay inside today
4.) all that stuff I'm supposed to do
5.) feel the burn

five things I had hoped this blog would do but hasn't

1.) become popular among friends and family and strangers
2.) sort out the random and incomplete thoughts that run through my everyday bullshit at the most inconvenient times
3.) decide for me what it is, exactly, that I'm supposed to do next
4.) catalogue my progression from young and inexperienced to not-so-young and inexperienced
5.) improve my grammar

five voices that floor me

1.) James Earl Jones (of course!) wait for 'S'
2.) Morgan Freeman Just listen to the "dolphin"
3.) Zach Condon
4.) Christopher Walken
5.) Jimmy . Stewart

Five more rock solid, solid as a rock, rock-on, rolling rock, knock on rock, solidified, truthy truths

1.) Anything can sound profound if you parallel the subject with its opposite: "what goes up, must come down;" "one man's treasure is another man's trash;" "if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger;" "mo' money, mo' problems."
2.) Yelling "GO! GO! GO! GO GO!" while pumping a fist in the air can get someone to do anything.
3.) "That's not change. That's more of the same thing."
4.) A deaf president would make a great president. More hand gestures. Less liability.
5.) The fifth in the list is always supposed to be a "kicker."

The most profound things that have gone through my head in the last week

1.) "Even flushing the toilet has pros and cons."
2.) "If you throw enough wet spaghetti on a wall, some of it will stick."
3.) "Sometimes I feel that I'm the most fucked up when I'm not, actually, fucked up."
4.) "One day you'll wake up and realize that there are more days behind you than ahead of you, and you'll decide one of two things: keep looking ahead or start looking behind. And I can't decide which one would be better."
5.) "It's only a body."

five things that make me feel silly

1.) tequila
2.) the word "winningest"
3.) tucked-in tee-shirts
4.) disco music
5.) patriotism

five acquired tastes

1.) black coffee
2.) sleepy lyrics coupled with lazy beats
3.) pleated pants
4.) cocktails made with three ingredients or less
5.) the work of Tim Burton

To Do

1.) figure out why two jobs that suck are not better than one that is tolerable
2.) buy more khakis
3.) find a pair of sunglasses that fit my awkward shaped face and don't make me look like either a bug or a cyborg sent to protect John Connor
4.) read that book that was leant to me and has been sitting quietly on the floor beside my bed for three months.
5.) write something other than another damned list

five things I don't realize I'm doing until it's too late

1.) feeling smug
2.) ogling
3.) insulting someone's intelligence
4.) drinking too much
5.) procrastinating

five fake things I wish were real

1.) The Olympics
2.) Jurassic Park
3.) any one of these
4.) these, too
5.) US Diplomacy

five things I don't like very much

1.) people who pretend to talk on cell phones when walking alone in public
2.) black lights
3.) t-shirts that are stretched out around the neck
4.) picky eaters
5.) dirty jokes

five creative blog titles I'll never use

1.) black and blue and read all over
2.) bucket list
3.) comma chameleon
4.) status quote
5.) check this shit out

yet yet again again with with the the twofer

five things that I like to be
1.) asleep
2.) entertained
3.) proud
4.) this tall to ride
5.) right

five things I don't like to be
1.) awake
2.) itchy
3.) third
4.) late
5.) right


By the way, this is my favorite website right now

ten things I have done since my last post

It's been a while.

1.) had a birthday
2.) scaled a mountain
3.) learned something new
4.) gotten a second job
5.) come up with a new emoticon for sanguine [:<≠>
6.) gotten mad at myself for not doing something more often
7.) ate raw oysters
8.) gotten two haircuts
9.) started eating meat again
10.) laughed at someone

Twofer Hump Day

five things that are not funny but want to be
1.) talk show interviews
2.) that guy in your class
3.) two and a half men
4.) geico commercials
5.) drunk people

five things that are funny but we wish weren't
1.) drunk people
2.) stephen colbert
3.) racist jokes
4.) puns
5.) your face

under-appreciated/underestimated

1.) internet comics
2.) yogurt
3.) the . dodos
4.) tim robbins
5.) things that look like other things

five more rock solid truths

1.) there are two versions of every song: the one sung, and the one spoken sarcastically, smugly, and irrelevantly in normal conversation
2.) time is the leading cause of depression
3.) a loud and friendly fart will ruin every argument immediately
4.) legal terms all sound like sophisticated sexual innuendo
5.) rocks are solid objects.

five fake a cappella group names

1.) flat trick
2.) eureka pella
3.) the clefhangers
4.) kickin bass and takin notes
5.) eight guys doing something they'll brag about for a long long ridiculously long time

five favorite cartoon characters

1.) ralph wiggum
2.) jon q. arbuckle
3.) mayor adam west
4.) mojo jojo
5.) calvin

honorable mentions: boris and natasha

five euphemisms

for barf:
1.) laugh lung butter
2.) technicolor yodel
3.) call for huey
4.) burping bits
5.) go to europe with ralph and earl in a buick

for diarrhea
1.) liquidated assets
2.) brewing hot chocolate
3.) Drippidy Doo Da
4.) pour some coffee
5.) tomatoes are evil

i wish

(with a seinfeld flare)

1.) i wish all of my embarrassing situations and awkward silences were punctuated with a palliative laugh track
2.) i wish scenes in my life were separated by snippets of solo bass guitar riffs and a sample of percussion, pops, and clicks
3.) i wish everyone wore a lot more wrinkle-free Gap and L.L. Bean and J Crew
4.) i wish my friends made up elitist ironic words, laughed at them hysterically, and then used them over and over again until they became tired and irksome
5.) i wish my days could end with credits and a guy telling chuckle-worthy jokes

five late comebacks

1.) tu' madre
2.) she actually never said that
3.) I've got your nose
4.) You are not rick james. He's dead.
5.) that is precisely what she once dictated, but in a more compromising, sexual situation.

five grownup thoughts

1.) dry clean
2.) hungover
3.) annual percentage yield
4.) full windsor
5.) bon jovi

vice: songs i can't resist listening to when i come across them on the radio

1.) the distance - cake
2.) la grange - zz top
3.) under the bridge - red hot chili peppers
4.) cherry cherry - neil diamond
5.) brick - ben folds five

five things everybody loves

in addition to Raymond, of course
1.) coupons
2.) a math joke
3.) that party you're explaining to a friend who wasn't there.
4.) Riley
5.) somebody sometimes

friday twofer: lesson lists

five lessons I should have learned a lot sooner than I actually did
1.) If you're living beyond your means, then find a way to increase your means.
2.) Not all metaphors that you think work, actually work
3.) Everyone poops
4.) No one reads my blog, or stays up to date on my facebook page, or reads my twitter, or cares that I haven't used AIM for like three years. This was a tremendous relief when I finally figured it out.
5.) There is such a thing as a bad hug

five lessons I still haven't learned
1.) hot things are hot
2.) my hand is not made of a space-age, heat-resistant and tightly woven material
3.) if I touch hot things that are hot, I will get burned
4.) getting burned is not something I can make myself "man up" on
5.) how real estate works

five songs every musician must cover

1.) rainbow connection
2.) aquarela do brasil
3.) roll over beethoven
4.) something "eighties"
5.) personal jesus

I

am the one who let the dogs out. I'm sorry. Now please stop barking at me.

can draw a kangaroo in under five seconds.

know the difference between bullshit and horse shit.

am responsible for that metallic sour taste in your mouth every morning. And, no, brushing your teeth better won't help.

am late for work.

five best celebrity judges

1.) Gary Coleman
2.) Gilbert Gottfried
3.) That guy from that show that was reasonably popular on that premium cable channel
4.) Erik Estrada
5.) Kermit

five videos

1.) love the world
2.) with a rat a tat tat tat
3.) creepy crabs are right behind!
4.) Some videos really make me want to hear the initial conversation that gave birth to something like this. "So she's on a bike, right? And then BLAM! Bar spin!"
5.) roller blades are back!

five phrases I wish to never hear again

1.) "from the get-go"
2.) "Houston, we have a problem"
3.) "out of the loop"
4.) "and also in addition"
5.) "110%"

list from the adrenaline driven inner dialogue I enjoyed on friday night's run

(yes, dialogue, because monologues always sound suspiciously like dialogues, and that makes me angry)

What defines art? (step step, pant, huff) Fuck if I know. (step step) Art is, of course where art is. Literally, it's in a frame. (trip, cough, huff) It's in a gallery, or under some rich guy's roof. (pant, wince) It's in cardboard boxes in the back of closets. (step, step, stomp) It's usually found in frames. (sigh, gasp) I think, though, art is where it's not, and that's a good place to start in an attempt to define it. (step, huff, walk).

Art is where, it's not confined. It's not criticized for the sake of criticism. It's not used as a tool. It's not looked for. It's not required. It's not understood entirely. It's not made for you. It's not fair. It's not loved. It's not expensive. It's not noticeable. It isn't like everything else. It's not safe. It's not believed. It's not sure. It's not forgotten, but not remembered clearly either. It's not too much of anything. It's not enough. It's not reflective or deflective or re-directive or receiving. It's not trusted. It's not righteous. It's not always comfortable. It's not what it was. It's not produced. It's not completely original. It's not owned. It's not consumed. It's not what it will be. It's not easily destroyed, but still fragile. It's not just art. It's not just anything. It's not defined. Art is where it's not. It's not where art is, or what it is. I feel like art is. (pant, trot, run, huff)

pretty much the most profound things that I can think of at the moment

1.) cartoons in the New Yorker
2.) an episode of Scooby Doo dubbed over with indie folk music
3.) which came first, the chic pea or the eggplant?
4.) the verbal response you would have if you heard from a friend that a professional athlete was kidnapped last night, only to be found by police two hours later
5.) this

what creativity feels like

1.) a very small but unbelievably delicious meal
2.) a bead of quickly evaporating sweat rolling down a rough and salty temple
3.) a loud and animated argument with someone who is horrible at arguing, but great at lying
4.) a well placed punch to the face followed by blackness and confusion
5.) the seams of a water slide that scratch your backbone as you plummet downward under a suspended blanket of clear droplets and into a cool, deep pool below.

five things that say a lot about me

1.) the momentS that i cHoose to use capItal letTers
2.) the fact that I still often say resume (with emphasis on the U) and not resume' (emphasis on the E that sounds like an A) because I won't be told what to do by a floating piece of punctuation. I live by no one's grammar but my own. I'm a rebel without a clause.
3.) the books that are not on my shelf, but on my floor
4.) the jokes I like to tell over and over and over again
5.) the lyrics I be spittin

five fake advertising slogans for my local college radio station

1.) "WUVT: Perfecting the long, static-y, awkward pause since 1962"
2.) "WUVT: If you give a kid some pot, he's going to want a microphone... And vinyl records."
3.) "WUVT: You'll love the sound of our voice almost as much as we do."
4.) "WUVT: We don't know the name of that last band either."
5.) "WUVT: Talking heads, every hour, on the hour."

Bonus: "WUVT: Your source for the monotone, grainy, and slightly off key live version of all your favorite songs you've never heard."

five television shows I miss immensely

1.) Wishbone
2.) Bill Nye the Science Guy
3.) The Critic
4.) Reading Rainbow
5.) MacGyver

But don't take my word for it

five cheap treats

1.) The smell of burning wood
2.) Watching old people
3.) The crisp yet static snarl of ripping paper
4.) Unintentional sexual innuendo
5.) Realizing things, like that this list sounds creepy out of context... And maybe even in context

what if it were easier done than said?

1.) writing a unicycle
2.) riding a book
3.) cooking fish
4.) healthcare reform
5.) being John Malkovich

five goals

1.) Watch every movie that has ever been recommended to me by a stranger.
2.) Learn how to play piano...Or at least how to play Bruce Hornsby's "That's Just the Way It Is," but better.
3.) Organize my book collection into something other than "what I say I read" in this area and "what I actually did read" in that area.
4.) Finally buy that $35 shot of Tequila at that restaurant with all the Tequila, confirming once and for all that all expensive liquors taste the same. Amazing.
5.) Pick up some toilet paper at Kroger

five questions

1.) Why does the letter G get to be J if it wants, and then J becomes an H? we just loose H? Did it go somewhere or die or evaporate? Isn't anyone concerned? We loose a letter and no one cares? No one feels wronged, a letter and a small piece of yourself missing? We need to find it. We need to send out a searcH party... OH tHere it is. WHew! How could we live witHout you, H? How indeed.
2.) Why would an actress buy crack? Can't she afford cocain?
3.) Why does my KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce think I listen to Tim McGraw? And why does it assume that I want to see him in concert, or while I'm eating.
4.) How's my driving?
5.) Why do I love the VH1-coined hybrid word "Celeb-Reality?"

five things I find enjoyable lately

1.) recollections of the future
2.) the gentle hum and tinker of the refrigerator
3.) spelling things that are spelled differently in other countries, like theatre or gaol
4.) Lists.
5.) cold colours

New Links!

I've added ten new philinks to your right

Theory Thursdays

1.) Air conditioning is the cure for cancer, aids, and swamp ass.
2.) Swiping your open hand across anything (a hopeless game of chess or a cluttered desk top) doesn't ever actually prove a point. As the argument or tantrum rages on, everyone is left silently wondering, "who's going to clean that up?!"
3.) Upon further contemplation, I do not, in fact, need a motorcycle for better gas mileage. I need a horse.
4.) Personal enjoyment of smooth jazz and the weather channel can be directly correlated to the body's current levels of drugs and/or alcohol. I'm working on the graph.
5.) The reason gas prices are so high is because you pick your nose when no one is looking.

Five Things I Remembered Today

1.) There's a republican candidate for the presidential election.
2.) Health insurance is, and will always be, inconvenient.
3.) Yesterday.
4.) The snows of Kilimanjaro.
5.) Satisfaction.

Five More Things White People Like

Again, I was reading the remarkable white-ology satire blog stuffwhitepeoplelike and it got me thinking of my personal list "things honkeys find fascinating"

1.) Nascar
2.) Boats
3.) Infomercials. Just count the number of dogs, cups of tea, and accounts of planned diversity.
4.) Other people's thoughts
5.) You

Ten Things I Learned From the New Geriatric Jones Movie

1.) I want to be a professor
2.) There will always be a riddle.
3.) The government is loaded with secrets
4.) The world was almost destroyed by aliens in the early fifties.
5.) Sometimes the riddle will be written in a language that only a very small number on the planet know how to read. I will be one of those very few people.
6.) Everything stays fresher longer inside of a refrigerator
7.) As long as you duck, even a little bit, you will almost certainly avoid bodily harm.
8.) balance is exponentially increased when on top of a speeding vehicle
9.) I will solve the riddle by being well rehearsed in classic literature and only when I am out of breath
10.) Spielberg hates Russians

Reasons I'm rethinking my mother's day gift

1.) She told me not to get her anything... and I'm beginning to think that mother is always right.
2.) Address book? Seriously? I mean, really?
3.) Irony of giving my mother an empty address book the day after I graduate college with no place to go.
4.) Flowers are pretty. Moleskin and alphabetized, lined paper is not.
5.) An address book? c'mon!

What I do at my new (and first) job fresh out of college

1.) Empty trash
2.) Walk around briskly so as to look important
3.) Adjust my tie
4.) Check trash cans
5.) Fill in blanks
6.) File bulky files into file cabinet with other files...
7.) Look into trash cans and judge when they will need to be emptied in the not-too-distant future
8.) Spin around very very fast in my desk chair
9.) Loosen tie
10.) Write this
11.) Make lists of people I should call
12.) Day dream of office innovations
13.) Empty trash

5 things the war in Iraq is about (not oil)

1.) The Democratic Primaries
2.) The Holy Grail
3.) Street Cred
4.) Overpopulation
5.) You

5 Things White People Like

So I've been reading a blog called "Stuff White People Like" and it's brilliant. I feel that they have left out some very important "stuff" however.

1.) White people like self deprecation (or just deprecation in general) - It's hip to make fun of yourself, or others around you, as long as its in a classy and educated way. The ability to Make a persuasive argument is the new "I own a Jaguar." Just read the blog mentioned above
2.) White people love saving endangered things - If it's cute and it's in crisis, white people will throw money in its direction (whilst everyone else watches, because there's nothing worse than donating money and it going unnoticed)
3.) White people like expensive cookware - The knives don't go in the dishwasher and the $70 fire truck red Paula Deen Non-Stick skillet is not to be touched by anything metallic while stirring those cage-free eggs.
4.) White people enjoy shows about doctors - Scrubs, House, ER, General Hospital, Grey's Anatomy, to name a few.
5.) White people love blogs

A Growing list of My Favorite Names for Things

1.) Dog named "Black Lion"
2.) Compact car named "G. I. Go"
3.) Girl named Galatea Dunkel
4.) Fruit named "orange"
5.) Bums as "gentleman of the road"
6.) Bums as "Bums"
7.) Anything that can be perverted into a sexual connotation... Such as "Bum"
8.) Kid named "Crusty"
9.) Lawyers as "Esquire" (Just plain stupid)
10.) A Second job as "Moonlighting"
11.) Town named Lick Fork, Virginia
12.) "Diphthong"
14.) Anything as "Urban Legend"
15.) Band name "String Cheese Incident"
16.) Restaurants named "Joe's"
17.) "Bungalow"
18.) (There will be more at a later, non-specified date)

5 Things That I Admit

1.) I really don't give a shit about politics, I just talk about the presidential candidates because I think it makes me look smart.

2.) Dad, I DID spray paint that tree when I was eight. I found the orange spray paint in the garage and my imagination and curiosity took control. I have refused to admit it, even when you asked me jokingly after I graduated from High School. But now I'm coming clean in a list on a blog that you'll probably never read. I'm not sure why I couldn't just tell you the truth.

3.) I fabricate roughly 72% of my statistics and facts. 80% of the time I actually have no clue what I am talking about.

4.) I talk to myself... A lot actually. Sometimes, I'll just mouth the words, not actually talking, but telling myself things as if I were writing them down. I think everyone does it to some extent. It's extremely comforting at times and useful in sorting the jumble of thoughts going through my head. I probably do it the most on the shower: my creativity nexus. I firmly believe that talking to yourself does not make you crazy. Talking back does.

5.) I am not the charismatic, witty, and insanely handsome stud I tell myself I am.

(I guess three out of the five are about how I'm a compulsive liar. Wow, I should look into that.)

5 Things I Take for Granted

1.) Free water at restaurants. The best idea some politician ever had... Right next to democracy.
2.) My middle name. Some people don't have them, and here I am ignoring mine. I should embrace my middle name, scream it from the hilltops and insist that all my friends be familiar with it. For now I'll begin by including it whenever I write my name.
3.) Supermarkets. Life would be very different if I had to grow and hunt my own food. I definitely wouldn't be as picky. "You have shot 0 animals and have collected 0 pounds of meat. Return to wagon?"
4.) Fire. Often times I think of it as a given, but it's not. Caveman scientists slaved away for years to get the whole thing just right. Without it, so many things would be impossible, like chemistry, metal working, or playing with matches.
5.) Being American. Sure it can be a drag at times. Especially when traveling. But when I think about it, I really am lucky to live in a free, safe, and economically sound country, even if I do have to put up with American Idol and Country Music.

Sincerely,
Phillip Hussein Skaggs

5 (not so good?) Ideas for April Fools Practical Jokes

1.) Print 300 pictures of myself in different colors, poses, and sizes to leave in random places around the apartment for John (my roommate) to find throughout the next few months.
2.) Fill Kitchen cabinets with hundreds of ping pong balls and simply step away to let the magic happen the next time John needs a glass of water or a can of beans.
3.) Move all of John's furniture from his bedroom into the living room while simultaneously moving everything from the living room into his bedroom. (I'm afraid he won't move it back and will begin sleeping in the living room)
4.) Somehow create life-size cardboard cutouts and posters of myself to hide under his bed sheets, hang in his shower, and stuff into his closet (this may go hand in hand with number 1)
5.) Convince him he is under investigation by the FBI for downloading music over the internet.

On My Mind

1.) Ideas for a ridiculous prank to pull on my unsuspecting roommate this April Fools
2.) The life and work of Jack Kerouac
3.) Thick foreign beer
4.) The last episode of South Park where Cartman contracts Aids, gives it to Kyle, and then cures the disease with large amounts of cold cash shot directly into their veins.
5.) Creative and contrived jibberwocky.

5 Terms I Misunderstood When I Was Younger

1.) Affirmative Action: "Did you take action?" "Affirmative."
2.) Penultimate: a ballpoint to put all other ballpoints to shame
3.) The Electoral College: a place of higher education with majors in ballot tallying and writing confusing political run-on sentences
4.) Third World: an alternate dimension in which money is worth more than it actually is and water is bad for your health
5.) Menstrual Cycle: a magical traveling group of musicians who visit once a month--among them, famous children's poet "Aunt Flo" and a mysterious vagabond known only as "The Rag"

Bonus: Love

5 Things I See in My Immediate Future

1.) A glass of wine
2.) A blink
3.) A sandwich
4.) A good idea
5.) A nap

You may be a nerd of my generation if...

1.) You have ever dreamed in video games
2.) You quote facts you read on Wikipedia
3.) You have ever started a story with, "something I wrote in my blog..."
4.) You can hum the entire soundtrack to Tetris
5.) You keep a collection of floppy disks titled "killer Apps for W95!!"

5 Beliefs that Scientology Believers Believe

1.) Good ol' L. Ron is god.
2.) Humans are polluted with alien souls
3.) Ol' L. Ron is actually still alive, just not in his body... and not on Earth. In fact he isn't alive, but actually a plasma spirit thingie on a planet that can't be seen with a telescope... Oh! and he's coming back soon.
4.) You too can buy happiness
5.) Tom Cruise is NOT insane.

5 Songs I Want Played at My Funeral (on loop)

1.) "I Won't Back Down" - Tom Petty
2.) "I Will Survive" - version by Cake
3.) "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" - Dean Martin
(unless, of course, I die via kick to the head)
4.) "Another One Bites the Dust" - Queen
5.) "Thriller" - Michael Jackson

5 Things I Wish the Monster From Cloverfield Had Been

1.) Mutant State Puff Marshmellow Man
2.) Santa
3.) My Third Grade Teacher Ms. McCrae
4.) Brittany Spears
5.) Real

5 (People) That Define Who You Are By Contrast

1.) President Bush (Sr. AND Jr.)
2.) Prefontaine
3.) Michael Jackson
4.) Dickens
5.) Hippies

5 Facebook Applications Not Yet Available

1.) Super Duper Quadruple Poke (Basically an hired assassin)
2.) Cribbage
3.) "Be my friend... Please!" wall
4.) Inside Joke-a-nator (an obscure and misunderstood reference to a movie from the 80's and 90's every day)
5.) Heath Ledger Interactive Fan Site (Chat it up with the heart throb) too soon?

5 Ways To Become a DIY God

1.) Knit something
2.) Take an ordinary object and put an LED on it
3.) Construct a vehicle from garbage
4.) Attach an LED to an LED
5.) Take lots of pictures and make a movie of yourself making a coat hanger earring holder

Don't believe me? [Swoosh]

5 Things Heath Ledger Most Likely Did *Not* Die From

1.) Laughter
2.) Ovarian Cancer
3.) Jousting Accident
4.) Leprosy
5.) Stingray